Posted by: Justine-Paula Robilliard | February 8, 2016

Not sure what to say..

I am not sure what to do, or what to say, depression is my only constant “friend”, with me all the time, someone I hate, yet never hates me back. Medical morons simply do no get depression, by that they do not understand what it does from you.

Depression rapes you, it steals from you, it abuses you, and there is nothing you can do, it comes like a rapist in the night, it steals your pleasant dreams, it takes your sleep, makes you so tired during the day, yet sleep does not cure your tiredness, depression takes your memory, it takes your ability to focus, the medical morons don’t get it.

You cannot take a pill to treat depression, the blues, the I am feeling low, that is easy, and that is not depression, I have a massive problem with the word itself and that the medical muppets with the degrees and experience, have yet to quantify the scale of depression.

Depression needs a scale, the medical idiots, have scales for burns, for shark bites, for size of breasts, but not for the most important aspect of mental health, what the **** is up with the medical mental health idiots?

Psychiatrists are by far the worst scum in medicine, lazy and useless, they know nothing and have the ability to prescribe totally useless drugs, psychiatrists cannot and should not be trusted or licensed to practice medicine, they have proven a clear lack of understand of the condition of the human mind/brain interaction. They sit and doze while the patient rabbits on, then the mental health moron, who is worse than the patient scribbles out a totally bogus useless dangerous script for medication that has no usefulness in treating the condition.

Instead of dozing off in the chair, then at the end of the day, jumping out the window and committing suicide, they would best be served figuring out a system to describe the condition we call depression, a depression is a small dent in the ground, I don’t have that, mine is deep, it has taken loved ones away from me, made me say and do stupid dangerous things, I am judged based on my poor mental health, mental health left that way by stupid insane uneducated, untrained mental health muppets. 

Posted by: Justine-Paula Robilliard | October 14, 2013

Reasons for making post PRIVATE 14th October 2013

Dear Diary….

I have been going through a very rough period over the last 4 years, since May 2009. My mind has taken me to places that have been very dark and dangerous. I have thought many many times over the last 4 years of suicide. My posts here and on other forums reflect this.

I have begun the process of deleting what I consider unhealthy posts, here, on Facebook. My life is not my depression, I have suffered from very severe depression, and even today as I type this, I have “black thoughts” that is negative bad thinking. I have somehow lost sight of many things, become too wrapped up in being depressed.

I let the illness control me so to speak, I am in pain, that is just a factor of living, I have both physical and psychological pain. I am trying to find reasons in the chaos. Most of the time, the pain is too great and it overwhelms me, I end up going into a very deep depression. Stuff piles up and I see only black, dark and impossible to overcome. 

Do I wish things were different? Yes. I am not sure things would be any better or worse. Somehow maybe I am just one of many that fall between the cracks and are left behind. Nothing I can think of makes any sense to me.

I am not sure of what to do in every situation, it is only later that I think of …if only I had done this or said that… A sort of what if game. This blog has spun out of control, it has been a source of venting for me, I am not getting the feedback I was hoping for. Maybe for very good reason no one has been commenting.

As a person of the trans* community, I am ashamed of my actions, I wanted to be an advocate, in both senses of the word, a real qualified advocate with trans clients, so far this is all “pie in the sky”. Most of the time I wonder if I am making any sense at all. It seems to be logical to me, after all how difficult could it be to “squeeze me in onto a programme… Assess my conduct and if I am not making the grade, then do what needs to be done. I know at the age I am now, 38, I am nowhere the person I was 20 years ago.

I was hoping for a miracle, I had so many dreams of making a success, sometimes it requires just one person to do a kind act and it changes everything. I have stopped believing in miracles, they simply do not happen, and if there is such a thing, it is a random act, that it was going to happen, not as a result of miracles.

I am not sure if I should be posting online or not…For the time being I am just trying to figure things out…

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