I have been going through a very rough period over the last 4 years, since May 2009. My mind has taken me to places that have been very dark and dangerous. I have thought many many times over the last 4 years of suicide. My posts here and on other forums reflect this.
I have begun the process of deleting what I consider unhealthy posts, here, on Facebook. My life is not my depression, I have suffered from very severe depression, and even today as I type this, I have “black thoughts” that is negative bad thinking. I have somehow lost sight of many things, become too wrapped up in being depressed.
I let the illness control me so to speak, I am in pain, that is just a factor of living, I have both physical and psychological pain. I am trying to find reasons in the chaos. Most of the time, the pain is too great and it overwhelms me, I end up going into a very deep depression. Stuff piles up and I see only black, dark and impossible to overcome.
Do I wish things were different? Yes. I am not sure things would be any better or worse. Somehow maybe I am just one of many that fall between the cracks and are left behind. Nothing I can think of makes any sense to me.
I am not sure of what to do in every situation, it is only later that I think of …if only I had done this or said that… A sort of what if game. This blog has spun out of control, it has been a source of venting for me, I am not getting the feedback I was hoping for. Maybe for very good reason no one has been commenting.
As a person of the trans* community, I am ashamed of my actions, I wanted to be an advocate, in both senses of the word, a real qualified advocate with trans clients, so far this is all “pie in the sky”. Most of the time I wonder if I am making any sense at all. It seems to be logical to me, after all how difficult could it be to “squeeze me in onto a programme… Assess my conduct and if I am not making the grade, then do what needs to be done. I know at the age I am now, 38, I am nowhere the person I was 20 years ago.
I was hoping for a miracle, I had so many dreams of making a success, sometimes it requires just one person to do a kind act and it changes everything. I have stopped believing in miracles, they simply do not happen, and if there is such a thing, it is a random act, that it was going to happen, not as a result of miracles.
I am not sure if I should be posting online or not…For the time being I am just trying to figure things out…